I first found out when a student told me about it during 4th period. My response, "Oh, that's horrible," and that was it. I don't think I had really grasped what she said. When I got home from work on Friday, I watched a bit on the news, and I checked Facebook. And that's when the first tears started to flow...
I saw messages from parents embracing their children extra close that night. Parents like Laura, who said, "Well, the beauty of today is that my girls [three under the age of 6] had no clue why I kept smothering them with hugs and kisses. They thought I was a crazy lady when I hugged them and cried. I so wish we could all cling to that innocence and goodness."
I saw messages from dads pledging to teach their sons how to resolve conflict with words rather than violence. I saw messages from people who were just astounded at the entire thing: "How could you do that? They're just children!"
I tried to make words about it all, but none came to mind.
"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." -- Romans 8:26
Saturday was very busy. I tried to avoid Facebook and tv because everything was too much for me to handle. We were learning more about the victims, like Victoria Soto, who hid her children in cabinets and closets to protect them from the shooter. My fellow teachers, like Gabe, started posting their thoughts: "The feelings I have for my students are very much like a parent and their kids... For a little time they spend with me, our lives will forever be intertwined. I may not have fought for them physically, and I pray I never do, but every day I fight for their futures educationally."
Sunday at church was rough. We had a moment of silence, followed by a prayer specifically for the people of Newtown and this shaken nation. After a weekend of off-and-on crying, I had come prepared with tissues -- and they were greatly appreciated. It all hit me... I saw my friends as the grief-stricken parents, myself as a family member having to cope, the children having to say goodbye to friends and beloved teachers, my students as the gunned down bodies, myself as the teacher trying to remain calm and comforting. As we finished the prayer and began singing, the tears didn't stop...
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before,
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name...
And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before,
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name
We are a nation in mourning. I'm not one for press conferences, but I watched President Obama's speech last night. He began with some of my favorite Scripture, verses I memorized while in Ocean City:
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed daily. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." -- 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
I know today's post was not cheerful. Don't get me wrong -- I actually had a very fun weekend preparing for Christmas. I did not think about the people of Newtown the entire weekend, but when I did, my heart broke for them. I don't know what caused this event, what its purpose was, or what will come from it. I didn't really focus on that the past few days. I focused on trying to find the words to speak of what had happened, even when words failed me.
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